Thankful

It's been so very long since my last post.

Again.

So much has happened in that time.

I could tell you how grateful I am that when I had a hysterectomy last December, I managed to pull through, even though I got incredibly sick and weak in the days following surgery and had some very scary moments during my recovery.

I could tell you how incredibly hard it was to lose my grandpa just three days after my birthday in April. How  I, along with my mom, my aunts and uncles, my brother, my cousins, my husband, and other family and friends watched him struggle to breathe through the pneumonia that clogged 80% of his lungs--but how we were grateful he didn't suffer more, and that he was reunited with my grandma, the love of his life, almost two years after her death.

I could tell you that with this being the first Thanksgiving without both of them, and the week of both of their birthdays, I've already cried six times before 9:30 this morning, but that I'm grateful that I get to spend the day with the rest of my family.

I could tell you that as I hear stories or witness kids with life-threatening diseases, I am so beyond grateful that I have three healthy children. Beautiful, smart, funny, warm, caring, wonderful children, who have made us so proud this year by donating dozens of boxes of toys and clothes to the local House of Hope for homeless mothers and children. How they don't realize that we're not much better off than those families, because we always manage to provide the necessities. How they even try to give away their favorite and newest and most treasured things because they think about how it would feel to be those kids who have less than them.

I could tell you about how this has been an especially tough year financially, and how we've truly struggled--but how we have the best family and friends who have been there for us through it all, even when we wondered how we'd keep going.

I could tell you how difficult it was to balance school and work and family, with both my husband and I full-time students these past few years--but how I am so proud of myself to have finished school (this degree anyway, who knows what the future will hold) and of my husband, who will graduate in May and be the best teacher his future students will ever have. The one they'll remember and talk about for years to come; the one who will make a difference in their lives.

I could tell you how I worried about passing my boards and getting licensed and getting a job in my field for two and a half months, because I'd worked so hard, and it seemed like it might all be for naught--but with patience and hard work, it happened.

I could tell you about the fact that some days can be challenging with the commute and the long hours and the patients that just don't want to participate in therapy--but none of that matters when I'm able to educate those patients on the benefits of occupational therapy, how it can help them get stronger, go back to doing the things that are important and valuable to them, regain independence, and have the best quality of life possible--and then be able to actually follow through with that with their treatment. As a student, and now as a practitioner, I have helped rehabilitate dozens of people already, and I look forward to helping hundreds more. It's an amazing feeling. I had a conversation with a patient recovering from a massive heart attack a few days ago, and he told me how accomplished he felt with the progress he'd made so far, and how we (the members of the therapy team) should feel accomplished too. How in his opinion, it was such an important and fulfilling job, because we were helping him and others get better and go home to their families. How he and I just looked at each other with lumps in our throats and tears in our eyes and felt this mutual sense of pride for our symbiotic relationship through our parts in his recovery. How his wife of 67 years comes to see him every day and tells him how proud she is of him and how grateful she is to us. How they remind me so much of my grandparents in some ways, it hurts. How he and all of my other patients have to stay in the rehab facility today, and some of them will have to stay in the nursing home for the rest of the their lives. Some of them have no family left. Some of them are sick and in pain and lonely, but I'm here with my family today and feeling both guilty and incredibly grateful at the same time because of it.

I could tell you all of this, but I'm watching the parade with my children and husband, and watching them play, and getting ready to go spend the afternoon with my extended family, and being damn grateful for just about everything.

Today I will be thankful for the food before us, the friends and family beside us, and the love between us. Happy Thanksgiving.
.      

Que Sera, Sera

...whatever will be, will be. Doris Day sang it, and my grandma said it. All the time. I had it tattooed on my wrist when my Grandpa was in the ICU, just two days before he passed away. It means so much to me, I won't even try to express it all in words. My grandparents are in my heart all of the time, and so much of their  love and their wisdom carries me through my days.

Right now, I have 4 days left of my first level II clinicals, and next week, I begin my final 8 weeks. I'm almost done. The finish line is in sight. After these next 9 weeks, I just have to pass my boards, and I am home free. Able to finally get a job in this field I have so much love and passion for. My husband only has about 10 months left until he graduates, and he's also finally found what will fulfill him as a career. We're both so excited to start. Little by little, things have gotten easier. Now, however, we have to find a new place to live amongst all this craziness of fieldwork and dwindling funds (that'll happen when you have to pay $150 a week for gas to get to your unpaid internship) and insane 95 degree heat with wicked humidity (and of course, the air conditioning isn't working. Of course.) We've been good tenants, we were told, but the landlord has other plans for the property. Here we thought we would live in this house until we were able to buy a house.

But, as ever, I try to be positive. This house has a lot wrong with it, and they are slow to fix things. The wiring is bad. Maybe this is divine intervention.

Universe: You've had issues with the central air, the water heater, the toilets, the furnace, the washer, the dryer, the wiring, the plumbing, and the dishwasher...many of them on more than one occasion, and it always takes weeks or more to get fixed. Hey, here's an idea--find a new place to live!

Us: Huh? Nah. We're good here, thanks.

Universe: Forget it. I got this.

See, the thing is, we love where we are, we really like the school our kids go to, we have a huge yard, which we have a big wooden swing set and a sandbox in, and tons of space in the house, which has two living rooms and furniture to match it, as well as our king size bed and other massive items. And we HATE moving. Like everyone hates to move, but I feel we have a special sort of loathing for it. This will be the umpteenth time in too few years we've had to move for one reason or another. That's why we were staying put til we were ready to buy, at least one more year.

Well, here's hoping that everything really does happen for a reason. I think it'll work out--it always does. It takes sunshine and Rainy Days to make a Rainbow, right?

My Girl

As always, it's been too long. Many things have happened. Grandpa has passed away and is finally resting in peace with Grandma. Thankful they're together again, as hard as it may be for us. I have finished classes and am more than a quarter of the way through clinicals. I graduate in September. I already have a couple of job offers and more potential offers and am happy about that. I've just recently been able to let my part time job go to be able to spend weekends with my family. My husband has about a year left of school and he's doing so well. The big kids have finished first grade and the little guy is already two. But without going to much into anything else today, I just wanted to take a quick moment to talk about my daughter.

My little muse, my mini-me. Beautiful inside and out. She recently got glasses, and she's tickled pink that I got my first pair when I was her age. She is growing up to be such an amazing person, and I always want to make sure I foster that growth and make her understand and belief that she can do and be anything she wants to be. I love her little mannerisms--it's like looking at myself over 20 years ago. She's a mother hen, a bit of a klutz, with a big sweet smile and soft brown eyes. She just makes my heart melt, and she's coming to an age where I want to reinforce her self worth and remind her every day just how wonderful she is. Her cat collection, the way she wanted pink and purple curtains for her room instead of princess or character theme for the first time, and the way she loves to to climb and run and play outside as much as she loves dresses and nail polish. Her knees are bruised and scraped and she's becoming introspective and bookish and nurturing and lovely and she's the most perfect little girl I've ever laid eyes on. I love you, baby girl.

I am Resolute

A new year, and time for a resolution. Well, mine is more of a declaration: I am resolute. I am determined. I will make this a great year for myself and my family. We have a lot of goals for 2013. I graduate this spring, and finish my level II fieldwork in the fall. I then have boards to pass, and get to find my first job in my chosen career. My husband and I are starting the very early research for buying our first house, which we'll do in the next couple of years. And after a year in my field, I can apply for graduate school--if I can get a position at a company that will pay for it. My husband is a year and a half from graduating, and our kids are doing great in school. With hard work, we'll get that much closer to our dreams this year. I am resolute.

If I Could Save Time in a Bottle

I woke up at 6:00 this morning and was in the throes of a nocturnal panic attack. I don't know how or why they start while I'm sleeping, and doctors don't either. That's neither here nor there, though. As my lungs struggled to take in air and my mind raced, I thought about my children. I thought about how incredibly fast time goes, and how precious this time is. I thought about how my big kids are truly that, first graders who are seemingly needing me less and less all the time. My little guy is a year and a half old, and more and more of the baby in him slips away each day. My three little bears, my heart, my life. Time just slips through my fingers and it's a battle to make each moment count.

So, though I have a mountain of homework and housework and my job and so on and so forth, today we will be making something together, reading something together, and just plain playing together and having fun. Each and every day, my husband and I tell our children how much we love them, how proud of them we are, and that they are the most important people in the world to us, and they always will be, no matter what. Today, I want them to see that in action. No school due to conferences for the big ones, so we'll start with an all day pajama party, and on this cold and dreary day, we'll make some family memories. My husband and I both fondly remember snow days and hot chocolate and cookies and family game nights with our own parents and brothers. These are the warm fuzzies--the cup of tea and good book, wrapped in a warm blanket with nowhere else to be and nothing else to do, kind of memories.

These are the kind of days that live in our hearts.

I Need...

I Need...

...to get through this crazy year of school! '

...to remember to have thick skin. It's okay to not be able to please everybody. It would be great if we could  ALL realize that.

...to plan my time better.

...to continue on with the organizing kick I've been on lately. It makes life so much easier!

...to exercise more. It makes me feel better all around, keeps my stress in check, and gives me an outlet for my energy...when I actually have energy. Of course, working out more gives me more energy, so I need to remember that as well!

...to enjoy the little things.

...to breathe. Namaste.

Here We Go Again!

I really need to keep up with my blog. I've written on scraps of paper, and I can't even tell you where they are right now. I should have a notebook or a journal. I used to journal all of the time. I carried my journal with me constantly in high school. Well, things are just a wee bit crazier in my life than they used to be, and so the writing doesn't always happen like it should.

This will be disorganized, and the writing will be personal rather than poetic or technical, but this is me jumping back in and getting my feet wet.

I'm at an exciting time in life, and as I've mentioned before, I love my late 20s. It's so much easier being 28 than it was to be 18, 21, 24...I figure myself out more and more each day. I like who I am. My husband is my best friend, but I had to go through absolute crap to get to him. Now I cannot picture my life without him in it. My kids are at really fun and interesting ages, and they're all so smart and fun to be around. I have wonderful family and friends, and I am so blessed in that respect.

I have major things to worry and stress about and wake up in the middle of the night several times a week having a panic attack over...but many of us do. Life has to go on, so you deal with it, and you make it work. I have been getting better at this. I have to work at it, but I don't let things get to me as much as I used to, and I'm proud of my progression.

This is my final year in school to become an Occupational Therapy Assistant. I want to become an Occupational Therapist, but that requires a Master's degree. I'm starting here so I can get to work, gain experience in the field, and work more directly with people. I can apply for the Master's program after a year in the field, and it will require more hard work and sacrifice--but I am so beyond excited that this is the career path I've chosen. This is the perfect fit for me. It took me a long time to get here, but the combination of being an educator, a counselor, a nurse, and more--PERFECT career for me. I considered all of those fields, but I always knew they weren't quite right. This is for me, without a doubt. The holistic approach, the diversity of patients, the opportunities--the helping people--this is for me. I am nearly in tears writing this because it means so much to me that I've finally found the direction my life is meant to take. I will truly be making a difference, and I can't ask for more than that.

The classroom hours are long, the fieldwork includes travel and being away from my family, and the workload is intense. But we as a family are going to make it work, and it'll all be worth it when all is said and done. Without a doubt.

So I thank my husband, for being an amazing partner and father, and working with me to make this dream of mine a reality while he goes to school full time as well to fulfill his dream of being an educator. I thank my children, for being understanding when I'm tired, busy with schoolwork, or have to be gone for a few days for fieldwork. This is for their future, just as much as it is for mine. They know, because we tell them every day, that they are the most important people in the world to Mom and Dad. They know that everything we do is for them, and so we're teaching them to be tolerant of the time we have to do what we have to do so that they can have the best life we can give them, just as our parents did for us--which is why I thank them too. It may have taken my husband and myself a little while to find our paths, but we wouldn't be the people we are without our families.

I thank all of my extended family members who helped me throughout the years, my aunts and uncles who drove home the importance of reading, of traveling, of family support.

I thank my grandparents. My grandma has been gone since May 28, 2011, but I know she's always watching. She inspired me to choose this path, and the tears that threatened to fall earlier do now as I write this. She's absolutely my angel, and was just as much as when she was on this earth as she is now.

I am so blessed, and motivated, and passionate about being the best I can be, and helping as many people as I can. When it comes down to it, we are all in this together in this crazy world, and if we can make it just a little bit easier for our fellow humans, why wouldn't we?

I'm definitely on the right path. Now I just need to buckle up for the bumps ahead, and remember to enjoy the ride.