When Things Come Together...

...it's easier to not fall apart. I feel compelled to share my experience with Postpartum depression. PPD affects a lot of women--probably more than even realize what they're experiencing. The CDC reports up to 20%, but those are just the ones who've sought help. It could be much higher. I experienced a horrible bout of PPD after my twins, but it took me almost six months to get diagnosed. Everyone experiences it in different ways. Mine was intense anger. Intense. I didn't think about hurting my babies, although that can be common in PPD. My anger was directed at everyone else around me. Nobody seemed to understand, nobody seemed willing to help, and severe lack of sleep and support took their toll. I had trouble breastfeeding, so I suffered feelings of inadequacy, and was really angry at myself too. Looking back, I could've had more help, especially from my grandparents, if I wouldn't have had such an overwhelming fear of letting go of some of the control. I felt that something would happen to my babies if I let them out of my sight for too long. My parents helped some in the first weeks, but right around that time, they got divorced. I was in isolation from friends, partially from having just moved back to my hometown before getting pregnant, partially from being on bedrest literally the entire second half of the pregnancy, and partially because of my age--the early 20s can be an awkward time to have children.

This time, things have been different. I still experienced PPD with my six month-old, but I'm positive that a LARGE part of that was because my grandmother was sick in the hospital from the time he was a few weeks old. She passed away when he was just five weeks old. My grandma helped raise me, she was a huge part of my life. I still can't believe she's gone most days, and I'm still grieving. The point is, I got treatment much sooner this time, at about four weeks from delivery. I still had trouble breastfeeding, but I tried, and was able to deal with it better when I realized I just wasn't providing enough nutrition. I still have my bad days, but there's a world of difference from last time. I'm older. I have experience (and yes, one is SO much easier than two!). I have a mellow baby who was born about a month further along in development than his siblings. I have my husband, who is the best father I could possibly hope for for my children. I have experienced so much more, and have learned there's always a light at the other end of the tunnel. This time, I can breathe. I can laugh. I can let things go.

If you think you might be experiencing PPD, please, please get checked out. Too many families have suffered. Too many mothers have lost out on valuable bonding time with their babies. Too many children have gotten seriously injured, or worse. It's not a shameful thing, it happens. With treatment and time, it does get better--but without them, it could result in tragedy. Talk about it, get support, and get help.